Nameless One (kain_larsen) wrote in touchedwithfire,
Nameless One

I guess an introduction is in order.

I'm never entirely sure how to begin these... nevertheless...

I found my way here whilst searching for communities on Van Gogh. What I have seen so far intrigues me greatly, and I feel that I'd have no regret joining. I know insufficient to say whether I am manic-depressive or bipolar, and something inside says I am not, however, I do know that I suffer depression, and that I am possessed of Asperger's Syndrome, though not to a visible degree. I have moments of charged, unstoppable light and colour, though these inevitably give way to stagnant mires. I will feel grey, and that in itself frightens me, every time.

I am an artist and a poet, though not a great one, and a musician, though I know less than I should. I hope this will change soon, but I can't do it where I am. Familiarity breeds contempt, and Coventry is too familiar now. When you see destinations but no paths, you can't help but go a little mad.

I hope I am welcome on this community.
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Being bipolar, I know how it feels to doubt the diagnosis. In fact, when I've said out loud or to myself, "I am bipolar," I actually feel like I'm lying. It was a really confusing thing for me for years.

As you are doing, I began reading all kinds of things about the illness, looking at websites and reading artist's biographies, etc., and I happened upon info about how the part of the brain where bipolar affects us, is the same place where "self analysis" is. Our true ability to look in on ourselves and see the simple truth about being bipolar is affected, not functioning quite right. That's part of the reason that so many people who are bipolar go off of their medications or take so long to finally deal with this illness as a very serious matter ~ they really can't see the obvious. Other people can, but it's really hard for us.

Your artwork sounds like your tone while you write ~ self conscious. I have a hunch that you are not seeing your own talent. It's not great to compare yourself to others, however it's okay to be honest about your talent ~ you might look at other people's art, music and poetry in order to realize that you really are talented. That's why people do things like write know, they see some paperback at the checkout at the supermarket and they take it home and are shocked! Junk! They know they can do better, no doubt. So they do. It's okay to acknowledge that you have talent and to value it.

Paths appear as you begin towards your dreams. Remember in that Harrison Ford film, "Raiders of the Lost Ark," I think it was titled, or something like that? He has a map. It tells him to walk so many paces, but as he looks down, he sees that if he does walk that many paces he will walk right off of a cliff. I bit my nails down to the second knuckle when he decided to walk the specified number of paces, no matter the drop off of the cliff!

Well, as he walks those steps, nearing the edge of the cliff, he closes his eyes really tightly and just keeps going & going until he steps right off of the edge of the cliff ~ and just as his foot is coming down into open air, footing appears! Then an entire bridge appears, and he simply walks across the abyss.

It's no different with dreams. We don't get to see 20 years or even 2 years down the road. We carry a lamp with us, and it only illuminates about 2 feet in front of us in the dark ~ just enough to take the next 2 steps. Don't wait to figure it all out ` just start walking, growing as an artist, etc. Step by step the footing will be there. "A man (inclusive noun meaning, "man or woman's") gift makes room for him or her. Your talent will make the room for you.

The most important thing about bipolar is, "KEEP IT ON A LEASH, BABY!.....Keep it on a leash (stay on the's not worth the 6 month clean-up time if we snap the leash.) God bless! a bipolar MD

Exactly. I don't know whether or not I am, but to entertain the possibility also entertains the feeling that "I am a fraud". So I think doing my homework would be wise. I have been to doctor's about depression before, but it's never really gone anywhere. And, knowing a couple of friends who suffer from manic depression or bipolar, etc, I have seen how difficult the road to help can be through standard means.

I do not have thoughts of suicide, but often imagine disappearing for a long while. I currently feel as if I have allowed my life to go unchecked, and it has ground to a halt like some broken clockwork realm. A far contrast to Christmas, when I had a job, with the promise of it becoming permanent, I was busy, it kept me in shape, and I was planning to have enough money for a place of my own by March. And money to take my girlfriend to Paris in the summer and propose. That seems to become less likely with every passing day, and I feel as if I am failing her, and my future. Our future.

My art is irrevocably tied in with my mental state. So much so, that I can only write or draw or play guitar under the right conditions. I could try now, but it would yield nothing, since I have no spark. My disability is partially responsible for this as well. I try to avoid using it as a crutch, but there are times when it feels I can't help but do so. I go from being on the verge of attaining Apotheosis to believing I'm de-evolving. The last 8 years have been catalysts, with too many reasons to be high and low. When I'm fine, I see nothing but good. when I fall down, I have to start all over again.

I remember that scene well, and I think of others like it, as I am fond of analogies and comparisons. Leaps of faith, gestalt theory and consensus reality are fast becoming cornerstones of my thoughts and feelings. The trick is to maintain belief in them if you wish them to be so. I will be fine again in the next few days, I have no doubt of that, it's just the waiting to be ok again.

I was on Citalopram for a while, until I realised it did nothing. Like I said, I don't think it's MD or biploar, because I manage, but still, I can't even be sure of that. But I will find out. I owe it to myself and my other half.:D

Thank you for your understanding.